Weekend Realizations

So this weekend was rather lovely. I spent time with my close friends and really got to bond (I know sounds cheesy, but it's true). I also have learned alot at church recently. Not really anything I didn't already know, but I actually took the time to apply it and realize that God was reminding me that I need Him at ALL TIMES. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, sad, lonely, whatever. Feelings are a roller coaster, but God remains the same always.
I got to talk to someone I really care about today to, for almost 2 hours. Talking to him made me miss him alot. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that he is definitely a keeper and I want him in my life. He's a great listener and he can talk about deep stuff, but at the same time be lighthearted. He actually gives a crap about someone other than himself. He is one of the first guys I've probably ever seen those qualities in. I know that people in general are innately selfish, but it seems to me that guys have that quality more than females do. Females have their issues too though, oh BOY do we!
Something that has been erking me recently, and yes when saying this I am thinking of someone specific, is how someone can be so judgemental without even knowing you. I just don't understand that. Everytime I see this person I feel uncomfortable, out of place, and awkward. What's weird I've NEVER had a conversation with her. Not once. But yet she goes around telling people that she can't stand me. And I know I can be hypocritical. Everyone can. But to make me feel so unwelcome in my own church? It just sucks and I just don't get it. I want to talk to her, but once again I've never spoken with her before, so I feel really awkward trying to initiate a conversation about her supposed hatred for me. I have a pretty good idea of why she hates me, but then again, I'm no threat to her, so why can't she just smile and say hello? That seems to be so hard for people these days; it's ridiculous.
On to more important topics than drama. So I was running this afternoon and I was really listening to the lyrics in my songs to keep my mind of the agony, haha! I came across a song called Overcoming Me by Kutless. As I really listened to the words, I felt like those words were describing what God is doing to me right now. Here are the lyrics so you can see what I mean.

Some say it's crazy
That you'd stay here by my side
I don't want to spend a day
Without you in my life
Maybe I'm a dreamer
And it seems that I'm lost within my mind
Searching for the moment
dreams and destiny collide
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I am not deserving
Of the way you see me in your eyes
You take me for who I am
I guess I wonder why
Maybe reassuring
Is all I can do in the meantime
And none of this can change
the fact that lately
I've needed you around
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

With the whole Zambia trip, college decisions, and a few private struggles I'm having, God is overcoming me. It's like I've written a paper of my life and I've asked God to be my editor. He looks it over and makes his changes and then overrides it. I want him to do that. For so long I wouldn't let him because for some perverted reason I liked being in chains. I'd give God some things and He'd just keep holding His hands out and say "No, Malinda, I want that too, if I don't take that garbage out, you are going to start to smell!" That sounds silly, but it's true! I've also learned that I just need Him to love me and reassure me. Certain relationships I have with people are unhealthy because I look for them to give me my value. Some of them don't even realize it. If I keep looking to them for my value though, I'm just going to keep getting disappointed. He has to show me value. He bases my value on my love for others. So He is turning me into a Love maniac, which puts me in a good mood. I watch how the nicer I am to people, the more confused they get. They just don't understand why I am nice. Sometimes I don't even understand how I'm nice to certain people. Loving people is a choice though, that I have to make, and then God brings me that human feeling I need to go along with it so that I don't feel completely insane when I act by choice. I want God to make loving people like an involuntary function, like breathing, to the point where I have to Love people to survive. That is my biggest prayer.
On that note I think I'll end tonight's ranting. So goodnight all!