So this weekend was awesome. I didn't want to come back and I miss being with my mom in the mountains so much. God revealed so much to me. I've been praying alot about certain situations and circumstances and God does hear me!
The first day my mom and I took a hike on a trail called rattlesnake. On the way up to the trail, we met two women that just so happened to be Christians and went to Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale and were at Ridgecrest for a conference. I've been looking at a college in Florida so I began to ask them if they knew anything about it. They started sharing about how Florida was very different than here and was pretty much like Sada and Gomorrah compared to North Carolina. They said that if I went there, I would need to feel a real calling, but if I did decide to go to this college, that I was welcome to go to there church, which isn't too far from campus. Then one of women asked if she could pray over me. As she started praying, she took my breath away but the words she spoke that God was obviously feeding her. She called our meeting a "divine appointment" which if you heard the sermon Thursday night and my prayer on Thursday night, you would understand how my prayers were answered to not overlook a divine appointment. She prayed over my college decision. And then she prayed for something else. She prayed over my future husband and that God would make me a strong pastor's wife. Again something that really struck my heart. I cry out to God to make me a desirable wife. As far as prayers go that is something that pray from the bottom of my heart. I can imagine that I desire that as much as Hannah wanted a child. And just like how God blessed Hannah with Samuel, God make me into a strong wife, so that I can team together with a man with a heart like David's.
I feel as though I am at a real crossroads in my life. I am finally going to get to go to Zambia for the summer and everything within me in pushing me toward that path. But so many things after that are so uncertain. Should I stay here in North Carolina and go somewhere like Forsyth Tech or Gardner-Webb, which is a safer environment close to home, where I can be near the people I know and love? Or is God calling me to minister in Florida? My parents pulled me out of public school when I was a sophomore in high school, and I am so thankful for that and wouldn't have it any other way. God grew me closer to Him by taking me out of that awful environment. I can't help but wonder though, was that for a reason? To prepare me and grow me strong in the Lord so that I could handle being thrown out into an area that really needs to hear Christ's love? Or am I just totally off base? It's all so confusing.
Then there is the issue of my future husband and family. I can feel it with everything in me that I am supposed to be married to a man with a passion for ministry. I know in my heart that I can be that support system for someone and be an awesome caretaker. That was the job ordained to me by God. I can see myself backpacking through the world with my husband being a missionaries, out of absolute desperation, sharing the Truth with everyone we can find. It sounds crazy, I even scare myself sometimes with these huge dreams I have. But that is why I know these desires aren't of me, God placed them there. What is even weirder is how I can trust God with such big things and be so anxious over such small things. For example. I have this fear that whoever this man is that I have such high expectations for, will not find me desirable. That either I'll never meet him, or that he won't want me. I am so scared that I'll end up having to settle for someone that I'm not in love with because I won't be good enough.
I'm learning that this whole "not being good enough" mentality seems to whisper in my ear in most everything I do. It follows me around, and that scares me. One particular area where it follows me, is something that burdens me everyday. This particular problem I have makes me disgusted with myself. And I feel so alone. I know I have God and He is helping me through it and is taking hold of it. But I wish I could meet someone who had the same problem as me that I could talk to about it and they would understand. Because when I talk about this problem with people who aren't going through it, they just look at me like, it's easy get over it. But it isn't easy for me. So many people have drug and alcohol addictions. I have an addiction too. It just happens to be something that is less common than drugs and alcohol. Everyday it eats away at me; it feeds on itself; mentally, emotionally, and physically it leaves me drained, fatigued, and cold. And I know that if my attitude doesn't do a one eighty, it could literally kill me. But I'm just at a loss on how to fix it. I don't know how to "unpervert" my thoughts because they have been so twisted for so long. All I can do is pray. Pray, pray, pray!
But anyways that was such a long rabbit trail. Back to the mountains. Being there reminded me of how big God is and how much He must care about me to create something as big and beautiful as the mountains and then want to create a little human like me. It feels good to be reminded that even though I hurt God over and over again, He still longs after me, chases after me, forgives me, and loves me like I need to be loved. I've posted a few pictures that will give you a taste of what I experienced this weekend.
I think it's funny how not only do things such as nature show us God's love for us, but even relationships we engage in show us that as well. I can think of people in my life that have hurt me over and over again, and yet strangely I chase after them to make things right with them because I love them. I think about it logically and it doesn't make sense. But I still do it. There are certain people that could pretty much do anything to me and I would still love them. I wish we felt that way toward everyone as opposed to a few select people. I guess that is where choice comes in.
This weekend was filled with God, and I want to fill my entire life up with God. I know that God will provide me with answers if I am patient.
