What Am I Doing?

So I feel like God is really holding his arms out to me. I know that. Every event, every quiet time, all the good advice, has pointed to that. He wants to rid me of these things in my life that leave me in such pain and disgust. Lately I've just felt so filthy and that I need a spiritual bath ALL THE TIME. Pastor David talked this morning about conviction as opposed to condemnation. Conviction draws you closer to God and condemnation drives you away from God. And I totally get that, and that is why I constantly write in my prayer journal and confess over and over again at the alter. And I truly do trust God and give it to Him. I want Him to fight my battles because I can't do it anymore. But this is where the problem comes in. I wake up everyday and the problems still bombard me. THE SAME ONES. They haunt me. I just don't get it.
Have you ever had a mentality about something for so long that you just don't even know how to undo your thinking? That's how I feel. It's like I want to change and I want to be free. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just up and fix it. Yes, God can change people and does all the time. But I keep genuinely asking how he wants to fix this and I just feel like there is no way out. And I can't talk to many people about it because they don't get it. This problem seems so easy for normal people. But it isn't easy for me. I need help. I need to be shown how to change my attitude toward this. And as much as I love my friends and family, not one of them has gone through this, so their advice is useless. They don't know how to handle it because it is so disgustingly sick, that they can't even begin to understand how my mind works. I just wish I could meet someone who has this same problem I have and can relate with me and show me how to reach a point of recovery, and to get my healthy attitude back. Because if I don't get help, it will destroy me. It will destroy my body and I will end up right back in my depressed state.
My other problem is with feelings. I have these nagging feelings that won't go away. Everytime I think I've gotten rid of them, my heart just gets melted all over again. It's unhealthy and pointless. I try to avoid it and I do. But it chases me. Because of the situation I'm in, there is no way to avoid it. It's always there, always taunting me everywhere I go. The hurt never numbs. It's easier just to pretend like the hurt isn't there and to brush it aside and fake it. Not let anyone know how bad it really hurts and how much I'm really really not over it. I pray and pray and pray, and it's like it intensifies. I keep asking for these feelings to be taken from me and they just get worse. I want them gone. I wish it had never happened. Because now it just cause complications and I feel like my mind and heart is being toyed with, and for what? What do I gain? Nothing. At the end of the day, I end up with nothing. All these games lead to nothing. I just end up confused and empty.
I was talking to my best friend the other morning and she told me something in tears that I can totally relate to. She said that her problem with her Christian life was that she lived life feeling worthless. That because nothing she did in this world was good enough, that she must not be good enough for God either. She constantly feels like God is punishing her and she is living in God's wrath. She feels like God doesn't love her sometimes. Gosh I know how it feels. Both of us know that these feelings are wrong and not true and yet we live our lives like that alot of times. I don't want to feel like that anymore. Now that is something God has set me free from immediately when I ask for it and he does almost everyday because that is one of my biggest struggles. God CAN FIX ME. I know that with everything. But the question is how do I let the Holy Spirit do that through me? Where is my part in fighting this battle? And why do I continuously find myself with the same old feelings that I hate. I hate them with everything in me. But I guess there is a fine line between love and hate and it has become so blurred for me lately.
I look at my life and go what am I doing? I want to be different because there are more important things than my itty bitty problems. But yet I wake up and just want to pull the covers over my head and not wake up. My life is at a major crossroads in so many areas. I'm overwhelmed and I need help and guidance. I constantly pray for wisdom and discernment and yet I am so confused. I want God's vision because I my human vision...well...my human vision is BLIND.

Divine Appointments and Mountain Adventures

So this weekend was awesome. I didn't want to come back and I miss being with my mom in the mountains so much. God revealed so much to me. I've been praying alot about certain situations and circumstances and God does hear me!
The first day my mom and I took a hike on a trail called rattlesnake. On the way up to the trail, we met two women that just so happened to be Christians and went to Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale and were at Ridgecrest for a conference. I've been looking at a college in Florida so I began to ask them if they knew anything about it. They started sharing about how Florida was very different than here and was pretty much like Sada and Gomorrah compared to North Carolina. They said that if I went there, I would need to feel a real calling, but if I did decide to go to this college, that I was welcome to go to there church, which isn't too far from campus. Then one of women asked if she could pray over me. As she started praying, she took my breath away but the words she spoke that God was obviously feeding her. She called our meeting a "divine appointment" which if you heard the sermon Thursday night and my prayer on Thursday night, you would understand how my prayers were answered to not overlook a divine appointment. She prayed over my college decision. And then she prayed for something else. She prayed over my future husband and that God would make me a strong pastor's wife. Again something that really struck my heart. I cry out to God to make me a desirable wife. As far as prayers go that is something that pray from the bottom of my heart. I can imagine that I desire that as much as Hannah wanted a child. And just like how God blessed Hannah with Samuel, God make me into a strong wife, so that I can team together with a man with a heart like David's.
I feel as though I am at a real crossroads in my life. I am finally going to get to go to Zambia for the summer and everything within me in pushing me toward that path. But so many things after that are so uncertain. Should I stay here in North Carolina and go somewhere like Forsyth Tech or Gardner-Webb, which is a safer environment close to home, where I can be near the people I know and love? Or is God calling me to minister in Florida? My parents pulled me out of public school when I was a sophomore in high school, and I am so thankful for that and wouldn't have it any other way. God grew me closer to Him by taking me out of that awful environment. I can't help but wonder though, was that for a reason? To prepare me and grow me strong in the Lord so that I could handle being thrown out into an area that really needs to hear Christ's love? Or am I just totally off base? It's all so confusing.
Then there is the issue of my future husband and family. I can feel it with everything in me that I am supposed to be married to a man with a passion for ministry. I know in my heart that I can be that support system for someone and be an awesome caretaker. That was the job ordained to me by God. I can see myself backpacking through the world with my husband being a missionaries, out of absolute desperation, sharing the Truth with everyone we can find. It sounds crazy, I even scare myself sometimes with these huge dreams I have. But that is why I know these desires aren't of me, God placed them there. What is even weirder is how I can trust God with such big things and be so anxious over such small things. For example. I have this fear that whoever this man is that I have such high expectations for, will not find me desirable. That either I'll never meet him, or that he won't want me. I am so scared that I'll end up having to settle for someone that I'm not in love with because I won't be good enough.
I'm learning that this whole "not being good enough" mentality seems to whisper in my ear in most everything I do. It follows me around, and that scares me. One particular area where it follows me, is something that burdens me everyday. This particular problem I have makes me disgusted with myself. And I feel so alone. I know I have God and He is helping me through it and is taking hold of it. But I wish I could meet someone who had the same problem as me that I could talk to about it and they would understand. Because when I talk about this problem with people who aren't going through it, they just look at me like, it's easy get over it. But it isn't easy for me. So many people have drug and alcohol addictions. I have an addiction too. It just happens to be something that is less common than drugs and alcohol. Everyday it eats away at me; it feeds on itself; mentally, emotionally, and physically it leaves me drained, fatigued, and cold. And I know that if my attitude doesn't do a one eighty, it could literally kill me. But I'm just at a loss on how to fix it. I don't know how to "unpervert" my thoughts because they have been so twisted for so long. All I can do is pray. Pray, pray, pray!
But anyways that was such a long rabbit trail. Back to the mountains. Being there reminded me of how big God is and how much He must care about me to create something as big and beautiful as the mountains and then want to create a little human like me. It feels good to be reminded that even though I hurt God over and over again, He still longs after me, chases after me, forgives me, and loves me like I need to be loved. I've posted a few pictures that will give you a taste of what I experienced this weekend.
I think it's funny how not only do things such as nature show us God's love for us, but even relationships we engage in show us that as well. I can think of people in my life that have hurt me over and over again, and yet strangely I chase after them to make things right with them because I love them. I think about it logically and it doesn't make sense. But I still do it. There are certain people that could pretty much do anything to me and I would still love them. I wish we felt that way toward everyone as opposed to a few select people. I guess that is where choice comes in.
This weekend was filled with God, and I want to fill my entire life up with God. I know that God will provide me with answers if I am patient.