What Am I Doing?

So I feel like God is really holding his arms out to me. I know that. Every event, every quiet time, all the good advice, has pointed to that. He wants to rid me of these things in my life that leave me in such pain and disgust. Lately I've just felt so filthy and that I need a spiritual bath ALL THE TIME. Pastor David talked this morning about conviction as opposed to condemnation. Conviction draws you closer to God and condemnation drives you away from God. And I totally get that, and that is why I constantly write in my prayer journal and confess over and over again at the alter. And I truly do trust God and give it to Him. I want Him to fight my battles because I can't do it anymore. But this is where the problem comes in. I wake up everyday and the problems still bombard me. THE SAME ONES. They haunt me. I just don't get it.
Have you ever had a mentality about something for so long that you just don't even know how to undo your thinking? That's how I feel. It's like I want to change and I want to be free. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just up and fix it. Yes, God can change people and does all the time. But I keep genuinely asking how he wants to fix this and I just feel like there is no way out. And I can't talk to many people about it because they don't get it. This problem seems so easy for normal people. But it isn't easy for me. I need help. I need to be shown how to change my attitude toward this. And as much as I love my friends and family, not one of them has gone through this, so their advice is useless. They don't know how to handle it because it is so disgustingly sick, that they can't even begin to understand how my mind works. I just wish I could meet someone who has this same problem I have and can relate with me and show me how to reach a point of recovery, and to get my healthy attitude back. Because if I don't get help, it will destroy me. It will destroy my body and I will end up right back in my depressed state.
My other problem is with feelings. I have these nagging feelings that won't go away. Everytime I think I've gotten rid of them, my heart just gets melted all over again. It's unhealthy and pointless. I try to avoid it and I do. But it chases me. Because of the situation I'm in, there is no way to avoid it. It's always there, always taunting me everywhere I go. The hurt never numbs. It's easier just to pretend like the hurt isn't there and to brush it aside and fake it. Not let anyone know how bad it really hurts and how much I'm really really not over it. I pray and pray and pray, and it's like it intensifies. I keep asking for these feelings to be taken from me and they just get worse. I want them gone. I wish it had never happened. Because now it just cause complications and I feel like my mind and heart is being toyed with, and for what? What do I gain? Nothing. At the end of the day, I end up with nothing. All these games lead to nothing. I just end up confused and empty.
I was talking to my best friend the other morning and she told me something in tears that I can totally relate to. She said that her problem with her Christian life was that she lived life feeling worthless. That because nothing she did in this world was good enough, that she must not be good enough for God either. She constantly feels like God is punishing her and she is living in God's wrath. She feels like God doesn't love her sometimes. Gosh I know how it feels. Both of us know that these feelings are wrong and not true and yet we live our lives like that alot of times. I don't want to feel like that anymore. Now that is something God has set me free from immediately when I ask for it and he does almost everyday because that is one of my biggest struggles. God CAN FIX ME. I know that with everything. But the question is how do I let the Holy Spirit do that through me? Where is my part in fighting this battle? And why do I continuously find myself with the same old feelings that I hate. I hate them with everything in me. But I guess there is a fine line between love and hate and it has become so blurred for me lately.
I look at my life and go what am I doing? I want to be different because there are more important things than my itty bitty problems. But yet I wake up and just want to pull the covers over my head and not wake up. My life is at a major crossroads in so many areas. I'm overwhelmed and I need help and guidance. I constantly pray for wisdom and discernment and yet I am so confused. I want God's vision because I my human vision...well...my human vision is BLIND.