Christmas

So today is Christmas. It's supposed to be a time of alot of joy and peace and what not. But for lots of reasons, this season has been so different than any other Christmas. I feel really alone, and no one has made me feel that way, I mean my family has been so loving, as well as my church family. But I just feel sad. My grandmother isn't here anymore, which has made Christmas alot more difficult than I thought. It eats me up. And I've messed up big time recently with my life. I've made some very self-destructive decisions, and dragged others down with me. I go to work and church and I try to be the positive, loving person that I know God made me to be. I want to serve and impact someones life with love and a huge smile. Serving is the only thing I find enjoyable, honestly. It's the only thing in my life that I feel like I can somewhat do right without screwing up. But it's like I come home, and I'm dead. I lay my head down at night and I can't sleep, so I have to read most of the night to avoid thinking. Then when I do sleep, I just end up having nightmares, which is a clear sign to me that I am not at peace. I feel so guilty for saying that because I look at everyone else and I have it so good. And when I am as depressed as I am, it's pretty much telling God it's not good enough, which it is good enough; I have everything I need to live. But I'm still hurting.
There is a private prayer that I pray very often, and I pray for it like Hannah prayed for a son. And as I pray for other things that I want badly, I watch them get taken care of over and over and over again. My prayer journal is filled with intercessory prayers that have been answered to the max. And yet the one that I want most, God continuously tells me to be patient. God has something big planned, I know it, but right now I just feel alone. As humans our minds are finite and we think on a short term basis. I recently made some dumb decisions that caused so much harm, and I feel such contempt for myself. I put myself in a position to be hurt by someone who has a terrible track record, as well as hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt. All for what? For me to end up looking like the little teenage, wishy-washy tramp? That isn't me. That isn't how I deserve to be treated either. And yet here I am, feeling filthy and utterly unworthy to be loved by anyone.
There is a question that women ultimately ask themselves which is "Am I captivating?" And for so long, I have gone to different men in my life to have that question answered, including my father, and multiple guys that I have dated. My dad's answer seems to be, "Yeah, I guess, but you'd be more beautiful if you'd do this..." And most of the answers I've gotten from ex-boyfriends are too painful to even share. Therefore I've ended up digging my own grave by poorly masking my low self-esteem and attracting guys who will take advantage of that, while also warding off guys who may find me attractive with a little bit of self-confidence.
I've found that my relationships, including my relationship with God, have become all about works. I think maybe if I bend over backwards with kindness, then I will be accepted. Which kindness is a good think in theory, but earning people's affections with good works distorts it. I think that maybe if I do enough for the church, or clean enough at my house, or whatever that people will love me. That someone may take notice and see that I'm good enough. But people shouldn't love you for what you can do for them. They should love you for who you are. And yet I still kill myself trying to earn affection. My servant's heart was something given to me by God, but now my sinful nature has distorted it, and it sucks. God is revealing to me what I should do, and yet I still let myself be at war.
And I miss my grandmother. She always knew what to do. She always took care of my family and was my Papaw's world. And now she's gone. To a better place, yes, I'm sure of that. But goodness I miss her. I try to block out memories of her, but her presence seems to be everywhere. She was so much apart of Christmas for me, and now she is simply in my memories. I'm such an idiot for not spending more time with her before she passed away. I just wish I could have one more moment to talk to her, to soak up her wisdom and strength as a woman of the Lord. But I can't. I can't even think about her anymore because it hurts too bad.
This is simply an emotional blog, that is full of complaints and struggles. But I'm being real. I'm a real person with real problems and despite my faith, I fail miserably. The only reason I'm still here is because God loves me and still wants to use me, just like he does you. He wants my crap and sin. And he wants to give me my ultimate desires, I mean he is the one that placed them in my heart. But I have to be patient. If you are reading this please pray for me. Pray that I would let the peace of God overshadow my self-loathing. I love praying for others, let me know if you need prayer for something in your life as well.