I think I know how Jeremiah must feel...

I cannot tell you how bad it hurts me to see people around me self-destruct. I am currently spending my personal Bible study time in Jeremiah. I feel like it is such an appropriate time for me to be in that book. Jeremiah is warning God's people that if they continue in their sinful behavior that they will end up hurting themselves and losing God's blessings. The people refuse to listen though, and Jeremiah is constantly depressed and weeping for those people. That's how I feel when I look at my friends who choose to reject God. I see myspace and facebook photos of my friends drunk and high and it is so depressing. And it makes me feel so guilty too. Why can't I live my life in such a way that appeals to people, so that they won't turn to that junk? What could I say to them to somehow explain to them that there is hope and there is a way to be dug out from the filth that this world tries to drown us in? It scares me so bad to think of these people spending eternity away from God. I wish so bad I could choose for them. But I can't. The fact of the matter is God knew when He told Jeremiah to warn His people that they wouldn't listen. God gave the people so many opportunities to hear, and Jeremiah remained faithful to God and told them, but when it came down to it, it was their job to make the choice. Certain people have so been laid on my heart lately and I'm learning that all I can do is share my faith and pray over it. Someone once told me that it is possible to love someone out of their problems. Man I wish that were true. Because I'd do it in a heart beat. But more times than not, it just doesn't work that way. If you are reading this, please pray for me to be bold enough to share my faith with people, even when the situation seems hopeless. I can only try and pray for miracles.

God and His Love

Today I got to talk to my representative from Global Expeditions about my Zambia trip :). I got alot of my financial information and set some short term goals for myself involving the trip. I am so excited, I can barely stand it! What is so awesome, is how God can use someone as unlikely as me to touch lives of orphans in Africa. Financially too, it seems impossible for me to raise 5000 dollars, but that is the beauty of it! God will defy all odds, I mean he defied death, so he can definitely provide for me financially. It's so awesome.
I keep a prayer journal because it's easier for me not to get distracted when I'm writing to God, and it's cool to look back at prayers and see how God has answered me in the past. It was weird how today I started praying and it was like I couldn't stop. I had so much I wanted to talk to God about. For the first time in a while I truly feel like I am dependent on God for EVERYTHING. It's a good place to be. Because I know I am dependent on someone who is so reliable. It's great to ask God questions and know that He will eventually answer me in His perfect way and timing. I feel so undeserving, after all the times I have and still will disappoint and disobey God. But yet He still chooses to love me and use me and listen to me rant about my trivial, volatile little problems and feelings.
It's so painful for me to think about friends of mine who don't have a relationship with God. They don't know what it's like to know Love to this extent. I wish I could communicate my faith to them in a way that they can understand it, or live my life in such a way that they see something different. Certain people have been so laid on my heart lately and it just eats me up inside. And everytime I start to share about my faith, it feels like I just get shut down. And 9 out of 10 times their reasoning for shutting me down is because they've seen how Christians today act, and how condemning we are. That makes me so mad. How Christians, myself included, are so quick to tell other people what is wrong with them. And yet we are so messed up ourselves. We like to play judge and say well your sins are worse than mine. For example, frequently we call out homosexuality. But lusting after someone of the same sex is just as bad as lusting after someone of the opposite sex. It's all not of God; it's of sin. Drinking and drugs is often picked out too. But I know I've been struggling with an addiction myself, but it isn't to alcohol or drugs or anything illegal, but it is still just as bad because it takes my eyes off God. So what gives me the right to condemn someone when I have the same issues? I don't have any right. Us Christians should be ashamed of ourselves for pointing fingers. Instead we should love these people. Maybe if I could go out of my way to love someone, they wouldn't turn to substance abuse because God's love working through me might reach them. Or if a mother simply loved her daughter, she wouldn't turn to a lesbian relationship. Just after listening to responses of my friends who aren't Christians, when I ask them why they aren't, it's just rather convicting. If we could just show a little bit more Love in this World, maybe people wouldn't be so bitter. Just some food for thought and a reminder to myself.
Well I am getting up early to exercise in the morning, so I should probably get to bed, so I can be productive tomorrow! God bless!

Weekend Realizations

So this weekend was rather lovely. I spent time with my close friends and really got to bond (I know sounds cheesy, but it's true). I also have learned alot at church recently. Not really anything I didn't already know, but I actually took the time to apply it and realize that God was reminding me that I need Him at ALL TIMES. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, sad, lonely, whatever. Feelings are a roller coaster, but God remains the same always.
I got to talk to someone I really care about today to, for almost 2 hours. Talking to him made me miss him alot. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that he is definitely a keeper and I want him in my life. He's a great listener and he can talk about deep stuff, but at the same time be lighthearted. He actually gives a crap about someone other than himself. He is one of the first guys I've probably ever seen those qualities in. I know that people in general are innately selfish, but it seems to me that guys have that quality more than females do. Females have their issues too though, oh BOY do we!
Something that has been erking me recently, and yes when saying this I am thinking of someone specific, is how someone can be so judgemental without even knowing you. I just don't understand that. Everytime I see this person I feel uncomfortable, out of place, and awkward. What's weird I've NEVER had a conversation with her. Not once. But yet she goes around telling people that she can't stand me. And I know I can be hypocritical. Everyone can. But to make me feel so unwelcome in my own church? It just sucks and I just don't get it. I want to talk to her, but once again I've never spoken with her before, so I feel really awkward trying to initiate a conversation about her supposed hatred for me. I have a pretty good idea of why she hates me, but then again, I'm no threat to her, so why can't she just smile and say hello? That seems to be so hard for people these days; it's ridiculous.
On to more important topics than drama. So I was running this afternoon and I was really listening to the lyrics in my songs to keep my mind of the agony, haha! I came across a song called Overcoming Me by Kutless. As I really listened to the words, I felt like those words were describing what God is doing to me right now. Here are the lyrics so you can see what I mean.

Some say it's crazy
That you'd stay here by my side
I don't want to spend a day
Without you in my life
Maybe I'm a dreamer
And it seems that I'm lost within my mind
Searching for the moment
dreams and destiny collide
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I am not deserving
Of the way you see me in your eyes
You take me for who I am
I guess I wonder why
Maybe reassuring
Is all I can do in the meantime
And none of this can change
the fact that lately
I've needed you around
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

With the whole Zambia trip, college decisions, and a few private struggles I'm having, God is overcoming me. It's like I've written a paper of my life and I've asked God to be my editor. He looks it over and makes his changes and then overrides it. I want him to do that. For so long I wouldn't let him because for some perverted reason I liked being in chains. I'd give God some things and He'd just keep holding His hands out and say "No, Malinda, I want that too, if I don't take that garbage out, you are going to start to smell!" That sounds silly, but it's true! I've also learned that I just need Him to love me and reassure me. Certain relationships I have with people are unhealthy because I look for them to give me my value. Some of them don't even realize it. If I keep looking to them for my value though, I'm just going to keep getting disappointed. He has to show me value. He bases my value on my love for others. So He is turning me into a Love maniac, which puts me in a good mood. I watch how the nicer I am to people, the more confused they get. They just don't understand why I am nice. Sometimes I don't even understand how I'm nice to certain people. Loving people is a choice though, that I have to make, and then God brings me that human feeling I need to go along with it so that I don't feel completely insane when I act by choice. I want God to make loving people like an involuntary function, like breathing, to the point where I have to Love people to survive. That is my biggest prayer.
On that note I think I'll end tonight's ranting. So goodnight all!