Christmas

So today is Christmas. It's supposed to be a time of alot of joy and peace and what not. But for lots of reasons, this season has been so different than any other Christmas. I feel really alone, and no one has made me feel that way, I mean my family has been so loving, as well as my church family. But I just feel sad. My grandmother isn't here anymore, which has made Christmas alot more difficult than I thought. It eats me up. And I've messed up big time recently with my life. I've made some very self-destructive decisions, and dragged others down with me. I go to work and church and I try to be the positive, loving person that I know God made me to be. I want to serve and impact someones life with love and a huge smile. Serving is the only thing I find enjoyable, honestly. It's the only thing in my life that I feel like I can somewhat do right without screwing up. But it's like I come home, and I'm dead. I lay my head down at night and I can't sleep, so I have to read most of the night to avoid thinking. Then when I do sleep, I just end up having nightmares, which is a clear sign to me that I am not at peace. I feel so guilty for saying that because I look at everyone else and I have it so good. And when I am as depressed as I am, it's pretty much telling God it's not good enough, which it is good enough; I have everything I need to live. But I'm still hurting.
There is a private prayer that I pray very often, and I pray for it like Hannah prayed for a son. And as I pray for other things that I want badly, I watch them get taken care of over and over and over again. My prayer journal is filled with intercessory prayers that have been answered to the max. And yet the one that I want most, God continuously tells me to be patient. God has something big planned, I know it, but right now I just feel alone. As humans our minds are finite and we think on a short term basis. I recently made some dumb decisions that caused so much harm, and I feel such contempt for myself. I put myself in a position to be hurt by someone who has a terrible track record, as well as hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt. All for what? For me to end up looking like the little teenage, wishy-washy tramp? That isn't me. That isn't how I deserve to be treated either. And yet here I am, feeling filthy and utterly unworthy to be loved by anyone.
There is a question that women ultimately ask themselves which is "Am I captivating?" And for so long, I have gone to different men in my life to have that question answered, including my father, and multiple guys that I have dated. My dad's answer seems to be, "Yeah, I guess, but you'd be more beautiful if you'd do this..." And most of the answers I've gotten from ex-boyfriends are too painful to even share. Therefore I've ended up digging my own grave by poorly masking my low self-esteem and attracting guys who will take advantage of that, while also warding off guys who may find me attractive with a little bit of self-confidence.
I've found that my relationships, including my relationship with God, have become all about works. I think maybe if I bend over backwards with kindness, then I will be accepted. Which kindness is a good think in theory, but earning people's affections with good works distorts it. I think that maybe if I do enough for the church, or clean enough at my house, or whatever that people will love me. That someone may take notice and see that I'm good enough. But people shouldn't love you for what you can do for them. They should love you for who you are. And yet I still kill myself trying to earn affection. My servant's heart was something given to me by God, but now my sinful nature has distorted it, and it sucks. God is revealing to me what I should do, and yet I still let myself be at war.
And I miss my grandmother. She always knew what to do. She always took care of my family and was my Papaw's world. And now she's gone. To a better place, yes, I'm sure of that. But goodness I miss her. I try to block out memories of her, but her presence seems to be everywhere. She was so much apart of Christmas for me, and now she is simply in my memories. I'm such an idiot for not spending more time with her before she passed away. I just wish I could have one more moment to talk to her, to soak up her wisdom and strength as a woman of the Lord. But I can't. I can't even think about her anymore because it hurts too bad.
This is simply an emotional blog, that is full of complaints and struggles. But I'm being real. I'm a real person with real problems and despite my faith, I fail miserably. The only reason I'm still here is because God loves me and still wants to use me, just like he does you. He wants my crap and sin. And he wants to give me my ultimate desires, I mean he is the one that placed them in my heart. But I have to be patient. If you are reading this please pray for me. Pray that I would let the peace of God overshadow my self-loathing. I love praying for others, let me know if you need prayer for something in your life as well.

What Am I Doing?

So I feel like God is really holding his arms out to me. I know that. Every event, every quiet time, all the good advice, has pointed to that. He wants to rid me of these things in my life that leave me in such pain and disgust. Lately I've just felt so filthy and that I need a spiritual bath ALL THE TIME. Pastor David talked this morning about conviction as opposed to condemnation. Conviction draws you closer to God and condemnation drives you away from God. And I totally get that, and that is why I constantly write in my prayer journal and confess over and over again at the alter. And I truly do trust God and give it to Him. I want Him to fight my battles because I can't do it anymore. But this is where the problem comes in. I wake up everyday and the problems still bombard me. THE SAME ONES. They haunt me. I just don't get it.
Have you ever had a mentality about something for so long that you just don't even know how to undo your thinking? That's how I feel. It's like I want to change and I want to be free. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just up and fix it. Yes, God can change people and does all the time. But I keep genuinely asking how he wants to fix this and I just feel like there is no way out. And I can't talk to many people about it because they don't get it. This problem seems so easy for normal people. But it isn't easy for me. I need help. I need to be shown how to change my attitude toward this. And as much as I love my friends and family, not one of them has gone through this, so their advice is useless. They don't know how to handle it because it is so disgustingly sick, that they can't even begin to understand how my mind works. I just wish I could meet someone who has this same problem I have and can relate with me and show me how to reach a point of recovery, and to get my healthy attitude back. Because if I don't get help, it will destroy me. It will destroy my body and I will end up right back in my depressed state.
My other problem is with feelings. I have these nagging feelings that won't go away. Everytime I think I've gotten rid of them, my heart just gets melted all over again. It's unhealthy and pointless. I try to avoid it and I do. But it chases me. Because of the situation I'm in, there is no way to avoid it. It's always there, always taunting me everywhere I go. The hurt never numbs. It's easier just to pretend like the hurt isn't there and to brush it aside and fake it. Not let anyone know how bad it really hurts and how much I'm really really not over it. I pray and pray and pray, and it's like it intensifies. I keep asking for these feelings to be taken from me and they just get worse. I want them gone. I wish it had never happened. Because now it just cause complications and I feel like my mind and heart is being toyed with, and for what? What do I gain? Nothing. At the end of the day, I end up with nothing. All these games lead to nothing. I just end up confused and empty.
I was talking to my best friend the other morning and she told me something in tears that I can totally relate to. She said that her problem with her Christian life was that she lived life feeling worthless. That because nothing she did in this world was good enough, that she must not be good enough for God either. She constantly feels like God is punishing her and she is living in God's wrath. She feels like God doesn't love her sometimes. Gosh I know how it feels. Both of us know that these feelings are wrong and not true and yet we live our lives like that alot of times. I don't want to feel like that anymore. Now that is something God has set me free from immediately when I ask for it and he does almost everyday because that is one of my biggest struggles. God CAN FIX ME. I know that with everything. But the question is how do I let the Holy Spirit do that through me? Where is my part in fighting this battle? And why do I continuously find myself with the same old feelings that I hate. I hate them with everything in me. But I guess there is a fine line between love and hate and it has become so blurred for me lately.
I look at my life and go what am I doing? I want to be different because there are more important things than my itty bitty problems. But yet I wake up and just want to pull the covers over my head and not wake up. My life is at a major crossroads in so many areas. I'm overwhelmed and I need help and guidance. I constantly pray for wisdom and discernment and yet I am so confused. I want God's vision because I my human vision...well...my human vision is BLIND.

Divine Appointments and Mountain Adventures

So this weekend was awesome. I didn't want to come back and I miss being with my mom in the mountains so much. God revealed so much to me. I've been praying alot about certain situations and circumstances and God does hear me!
The first day my mom and I took a hike on a trail called rattlesnake. On the way up to the trail, we met two women that just so happened to be Christians and went to Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale and were at Ridgecrest for a conference. I've been looking at a college in Florida so I began to ask them if they knew anything about it. They started sharing about how Florida was very different than here and was pretty much like Sada and Gomorrah compared to North Carolina. They said that if I went there, I would need to feel a real calling, but if I did decide to go to this college, that I was welcome to go to there church, which isn't too far from campus. Then one of women asked if she could pray over me. As she started praying, she took my breath away but the words she spoke that God was obviously feeding her. She called our meeting a "divine appointment" which if you heard the sermon Thursday night and my prayer on Thursday night, you would understand how my prayers were answered to not overlook a divine appointment. She prayed over my college decision. And then she prayed for something else. She prayed over my future husband and that God would make me a strong pastor's wife. Again something that really struck my heart. I cry out to God to make me a desirable wife. As far as prayers go that is something that pray from the bottom of my heart. I can imagine that I desire that as much as Hannah wanted a child. And just like how God blessed Hannah with Samuel, God make me into a strong wife, so that I can team together with a man with a heart like David's.
I feel as though I am at a real crossroads in my life. I am finally going to get to go to Zambia for the summer and everything within me in pushing me toward that path. But so many things after that are so uncertain. Should I stay here in North Carolina and go somewhere like Forsyth Tech or Gardner-Webb, which is a safer environment close to home, where I can be near the people I know and love? Or is God calling me to minister in Florida? My parents pulled me out of public school when I was a sophomore in high school, and I am so thankful for that and wouldn't have it any other way. God grew me closer to Him by taking me out of that awful environment. I can't help but wonder though, was that for a reason? To prepare me and grow me strong in the Lord so that I could handle being thrown out into an area that really needs to hear Christ's love? Or am I just totally off base? It's all so confusing.
Then there is the issue of my future husband and family. I can feel it with everything in me that I am supposed to be married to a man with a passion for ministry. I know in my heart that I can be that support system for someone and be an awesome caretaker. That was the job ordained to me by God. I can see myself backpacking through the world with my husband being a missionaries, out of absolute desperation, sharing the Truth with everyone we can find. It sounds crazy, I even scare myself sometimes with these huge dreams I have. But that is why I know these desires aren't of me, God placed them there. What is even weirder is how I can trust God with such big things and be so anxious over such small things. For example. I have this fear that whoever this man is that I have such high expectations for, will not find me desirable. That either I'll never meet him, or that he won't want me. I am so scared that I'll end up having to settle for someone that I'm not in love with because I won't be good enough.
I'm learning that this whole "not being good enough" mentality seems to whisper in my ear in most everything I do. It follows me around, and that scares me. One particular area where it follows me, is something that burdens me everyday. This particular problem I have makes me disgusted with myself. And I feel so alone. I know I have God and He is helping me through it and is taking hold of it. But I wish I could meet someone who had the same problem as me that I could talk to about it and they would understand. Because when I talk about this problem with people who aren't going through it, they just look at me like, it's easy get over it. But it isn't easy for me. So many people have drug and alcohol addictions. I have an addiction too. It just happens to be something that is less common than drugs and alcohol. Everyday it eats away at me; it feeds on itself; mentally, emotionally, and physically it leaves me drained, fatigued, and cold. And I know that if my attitude doesn't do a one eighty, it could literally kill me. But I'm just at a loss on how to fix it. I don't know how to "unpervert" my thoughts because they have been so twisted for so long. All I can do is pray. Pray, pray, pray!
But anyways that was such a long rabbit trail. Back to the mountains. Being there reminded me of how big God is and how much He must care about me to create something as big and beautiful as the mountains and then want to create a little human like me. It feels good to be reminded that even though I hurt God over and over again, He still longs after me, chases after me, forgives me, and loves me like I need to be loved. I've posted a few pictures that will give you a taste of what I experienced this weekend.
I think it's funny how not only do things such as nature show us God's love for us, but even relationships we engage in show us that as well. I can think of people in my life that have hurt me over and over again, and yet strangely I chase after them to make things right with them because I love them. I think about it logically and it doesn't make sense. But I still do it. There are certain people that could pretty much do anything to me and I would still love them. I wish we felt that way toward everyone as opposed to a few select people. I guess that is where choice comes in.
This weekend was filled with God, and I want to fill my entire life up with God. I know that God will provide me with answers if I am patient.

I think I know how Jeremiah must feel...

I cannot tell you how bad it hurts me to see people around me self-destruct. I am currently spending my personal Bible study time in Jeremiah. I feel like it is such an appropriate time for me to be in that book. Jeremiah is warning God's people that if they continue in their sinful behavior that they will end up hurting themselves and losing God's blessings. The people refuse to listen though, and Jeremiah is constantly depressed and weeping for those people. That's how I feel when I look at my friends who choose to reject God. I see myspace and facebook photos of my friends drunk and high and it is so depressing. And it makes me feel so guilty too. Why can't I live my life in such a way that appeals to people, so that they won't turn to that junk? What could I say to them to somehow explain to them that there is hope and there is a way to be dug out from the filth that this world tries to drown us in? It scares me so bad to think of these people spending eternity away from God. I wish so bad I could choose for them. But I can't. The fact of the matter is God knew when He told Jeremiah to warn His people that they wouldn't listen. God gave the people so many opportunities to hear, and Jeremiah remained faithful to God and told them, but when it came down to it, it was their job to make the choice. Certain people have so been laid on my heart lately and I'm learning that all I can do is share my faith and pray over it. Someone once told me that it is possible to love someone out of their problems. Man I wish that were true. Because I'd do it in a heart beat. But more times than not, it just doesn't work that way. If you are reading this, please pray for me to be bold enough to share my faith with people, even when the situation seems hopeless. I can only try and pray for miracles.

God and His Love

Today I got to talk to my representative from Global Expeditions about my Zambia trip :). I got alot of my financial information and set some short term goals for myself involving the trip. I am so excited, I can barely stand it! What is so awesome, is how God can use someone as unlikely as me to touch lives of orphans in Africa. Financially too, it seems impossible for me to raise 5000 dollars, but that is the beauty of it! God will defy all odds, I mean he defied death, so he can definitely provide for me financially. It's so awesome.
I keep a prayer journal because it's easier for me not to get distracted when I'm writing to God, and it's cool to look back at prayers and see how God has answered me in the past. It was weird how today I started praying and it was like I couldn't stop. I had so much I wanted to talk to God about. For the first time in a while I truly feel like I am dependent on God for EVERYTHING. It's a good place to be. Because I know I am dependent on someone who is so reliable. It's great to ask God questions and know that He will eventually answer me in His perfect way and timing. I feel so undeserving, after all the times I have and still will disappoint and disobey God. But yet He still chooses to love me and use me and listen to me rant about my trivial, volatile little problems and feelings.
It's so painful for me to think about friends of mine who don't have a relationship with God. They don't know what it's like to know Love to this extent. I wish I could communicate my faith to them in a way that they can understand it, or live my life in such a way that they see something different. Certain people have been so laid on my heart lately and it just eats me up inside. And everytime I start to share about my faith, it feels like I just get shut down. And 9 out of 10 times their reasoning for shutting me down is because they've seen how Christians today act, and how condemning we are. That makes me so mad. How Christians, myself included, are so quick to tell other people what is wrong with them. And yet we are so messed up ourselves. We like to play judge and say well your sins are worse than mine. For example, frequently we call out homosexuality. But lusting after someone of the same sex is just as bad as lusting after someone of the opposite sex. It's all not of God; it's of sin. Drinking and drugs is often picked out too. But I know I've been struggling with an addiction myself, but it isn't to alcohol or drugs or anything illegal, but it is still just as bad because it takes my eyes off God. So what gives me the right to condemn someone when I have the same issues? I don't have any right. Us Christians should be ashamed of ourselves for pointing fingers. Instead we should love these people. Maybe if I could go out of my way to love someone, they wouldn't turn to substance abuse because God's love working through me might reach them. Or if a mother simply loved her daughter, she wouldn't turn to a lesbian relationship. Just after listening to responses of my friends who aren't Christians, when I ask them why they aren't, it's just rather convicting. If we could just show a little bit more Love in this World, maybe people wouldn't be so bitter. Just some food for thought and a reminder to myself.
Well I am getting up early to exercise in the morning, so I should probably get to bed, so I can be productive tomorrow! God bless!

Weekend Realizations

So this weekend was rather lovely. I spent time with my close friends and really got to bond (I know sounds cheesy, but it's true). I also have learned alot at church recently. Not really anything I didn't already know, but I actually took the time to apply it and realize that God was reminding me that I need Him at ALL TIMES. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, sad, lonely, whatever. Feelings are a roller coaster, but God remains the same always.
I got to talk to someone I really care about today to, for almost 2 hours. Talking to him made me miss him alot. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that he is definitely a keeper and I want him in my life. He's a great listener and he can talk about deep stuff, but at the same time be lighthearted. He actually gives a crap about someone other than himself. He is one of the first guys I've probably ever seen those qualities in. I know that people in general are innately selfish, but it seems to me that guys have that quality more than females do. Females have their issues too though, oh BOY do we!
Something that has been erking me recently, and yes when saying this I am thinking of someone specific, is how someone can be so judgemental without even knowing you. I just don't understand that. Everytime I see this person I feel uncomfortable, out of place, and awkward. What's weird I've NEVER had a conversation with her. Not once. But yet she goes around telling people that she can't stand me. And I know I can be hypocritical. Everyone can. But to make me feel so unwelcome in my own church? It just sucks and I just don't get it. I want to talk to her, but once again I've never spoken with her before, so I feel really awkward trying to initiate a conversation about her supposed hatred for me. I have a pretty good idea of why she hates me, but then again, I'm no threat to her, so why can't she just smile and say hello? That seems to be so hard for people these days; it's ridiculous.
On to more important topics than drama. So I was running this afternoon and I was really listening to the lyrics in my songs to keep my mind of the agony, haha! I came across a song called Overcoming Me by Kutless. As I really listened to the words, I felt like those words were describing what God is doing to me right now. Here are the lyrics so you can see what I mean.

Some say it's crazy
That you'd stay here by my side
I don't want to spend a day
Without you in my life
Maybe I'm a dreamer
And it seems that I'm lost within my mind
Searching for the moment
dreams and destiny collide
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I am not deserving
Of the way you see me in your eyes
You take me for who I am
I guess I wonder why
Maybe reassuring
Is all I can do in the meantime
And none of this can change
the fact that lately
I've needed you around
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

With the whole Zambia trip, college decisions, and a few private struggles I'm having, God is overcoming me. It's like I've written a paper of my life and I've asked God to be my editor. He looks it over and makes his changes and then overrides it. I want him to do that. For so long I wouldn't let him because for some perverted reason I liked being in chains. I'd give God some things and He'd just keep holding His hands out and say "No, Malinda, I want that too, if I don't take that garbage out, you are going to start to smell!" That sounds silly, but it's true! I've also learned that I just need Him to love me and reassure me. Certain relationships I have with people are unhealthy because I look for them to give me my value. Some of them don't even realize it. If I keep looking to them for my value though, I'm just going to keep getting disappointed. He has to show me value. He bases my value on my love for others. So He is turning me into a Love maniac, which puts me in a good mood. I watch how the nicer I am to people, the more confused they get. They just don't understand why I am nice. Sometimes I don't even understand how I'm nice to certain people. Loving people is a choice though, that I have to make, and then God brings me that human feeling I need to go along with it so that I don't feel completely insane when I act by choice. I want God to make loving people like an involuntary function, like breathing, to the point where I have to Love people to survive. That is my biggest prayer.
On that note I think I'll end tonight's ranting. So goodnight all!